What is Relationship Anarchy in Polyamory?

Relationship Anarchy liberates people by allowing them to form connections free from societal scripts, rooted instead in consent, authenticity and personal values.

One of the things I love about the the kink world, is that there is no single blueprint for how relationships should look or feel. From high-protocol dynamics to fluid friendship-based play, the ways people connect are as varied as the desires they explore. While some choose hierarchical structures like D/s or nesting partnerships, others find meaning in looser, more flexible connections.

Relationship Anarchy (RA) offers one such approach – a way of relating that deliberately resists the one-size-fits-all model. Instead of defaulting to cultural norms about love, sex or commitment, RA invites us to co-create relationships on our own terms, with intention, autonomy and mutual care at the centre.

I've decided to write about RA after some interesting discussions with others about navigating Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) both in BDSM and vanilla connections. There is a lot of misunderstanding around ENM, even with established and experienced folk in this style of relationship. So, I'd like to give my ideas around RA and why I think this is a helpful way of building deep and robust connections.

As someone that endeavours to practice Relationship Anarchy, the one thing I know is that it is often misunderstood. Some assume it means chaos in love or a rejection of responsibility.

But Andie Nordgren, who first described this approach in the Short Instructional Manifesto, invites us to consider something far more intentional and transformative.

At its heart, Relationship Anarchy in the context of polyamory asks: What if love was not bound by rules written for someone else's story?

Love as Abundance, Not Scarcity

Polyamory already challenges the assumption that love can only be real if it is exclusive.

The principle here is that it is possible to love deeply multiple (poly) people at the same time. Thank goodness! Imagine if our love was finite and limited, mothers sharing out scraps of love between children and their partner? Don't get me wrong, energy and time ARE finite and what makes poly-situations fail is often scheduling and unmet needs, but love...love is expansive.

Relationship Anarchy pushes this further by reminding us: “You have capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another.”

As love is abundant, it is not limited to sexual relationships, but able to freely bloom between all styles of dynamics and connections without the need for 'traditional' progression to house, baby, dog....

Now, we have permission to simply love because we love.

Rather than ranking partners or designating someone as primary, Relationship Anarchy asks us to cherish the individual and your connection to them. Each relationship stands on its own merits, shaped by who the people are, not by scripts handed down by culture or monogamy.

Letting Go of Entitlement

One of the most powerful aspects of Relationship Anarchy is its challenge to the idea that love entitles us to control or expectation.

Nordgren writes, “Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner.”

In polyamorous contexts, this is especially potent. Relationship Anarchy encourages us to move away from possessive or ownership-based models and towards spaces where autonomy and consent guide how we relate. It is not about having no expectations; it is about building them together, consciously and with respect.

In RA, we avoid the fear-based response of trying to 'manage the expectations we think others have on us' and instead move towards acknowledging our own hopes and wishes for partnerships and building safe containers that all people involved can

Values Over Norms

The manifesto encourages us to develop a core set of relationship values. These are not rigid rules for one person and a different set for another, but rather an ethical compass that travels with us across all our connections.

“Don’t make special rules and exceptions as a way to show people you love them ‘for real.’”

This might look like centring honesty, care, or autonomy as guiding principles and applying them in all kinds of relationships, whether romantic, sexual, platonic, or somewhere in between.

Being able to clearly and kindly communicate boundaries to partners and your reasons for holding them can be a connection-driving moment where you can find ways to navigate triggers and re-organise structures and behaviours to re-align or re-negotiate your relationship and move forward.

Communication as connection

Polyamory without communication is fragile. Relationship Anarchy makes communication not just a tool, but a core value.

Nordgren advises us that “Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart – not as a state of emergency only brought out to solve ‘problems.’”

This looks like checking in when things are going well, speaking before issues arise, and engaging in open dialogue that is based on mutual trust. Deep and reflective conversations about your partnership is not a reflection of deep issues within the dynamic, but a celebration of the care and attention we bring to loving one another.

Designing Our Own Commitments

One of the most liberating and frightening elements of RA, is that Relationship Anarchy does not reject commitment – it reimagines it.

We get to ask each other, what could a loving and respectful commitment to each other, and in the context of our other partnerships, look like?

“Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything – it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you.”

This could mean co-parenting without romantic involvement, planning weekly rituals with a friend who is also a lover, or choosing emotional intimacy without a sexual component. The form is open, but the intention is always clear and consensual.

For many people starting out in ENM, this co-design element can feel overwhelming as they are socialised into 'going with the flow' or hiding intentions out of fear of rejection. Many of us exploring these dynamics may still come with assumptions and norms based on certain words/labels that might limit the emotional respect and space we give each other. All this, if left un-discussed, is a recipe for suffering and distress.

Relationship Anarchy: Liberates Polyamorous People

Relationship Anarchy is not simply a model for romantic or sexual connections – it is a broader philosophy of mutual respect, communication and freedom. For those practising polyamory, it offers a way to honour each connection as unique, without hierarchy, fear or inherited scripts.

But this path takes courage. As Nordgren says, “Sometimes it can feel like you need to be some complete super human to handle all the norm breaking.”

The invitation is not to be perfect, but to try. To aspire to a situation where you see, clearly, each human you connect with and honour in each other, your need and desire to be connected.

To keep building, listening, exploring and choosing love that is honest, mutual and free.